


The Perfect Plans of Padfoot and Prongs

by eluvians



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Humour, Implied James Potter/Sirius Black - Freeform, James should really know better, Lily is sick of these idiots, M/M, Mild Language, Romance, Sirius has the worst plans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-17
Updated: 2013-02-17
Packaged: 2017-11-29 13:35:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/687562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eluvians/pseuds/eluvians
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius Black has a plan - a plan to get himself and James Potter all the girls they could wish for. Does James really have any other choice than to follow along?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Perfect Plans of Padfoot and Prongs

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted at harrypotterfanfiction.com in early 2009. I am in the process of transferring my stories across.

“Padfoot, you realize everyone knows you’re not a Prefect, don’t you?” I tried to point out.

Sirius glanced back patronizingly and I rolled my eyes. “Yes, Prongs, but I am perfect, ergo, rightfully a Prefect.”

“Nicking Moony’s badge doesn’t make you a Prefect, Sirius, it makes you a prat.”

“Sticks and stones, my friend, sticks and stones.”

Well. What does one say to that?

Silence stretched between us and all that could be heard was our shoes clapping loudly against the stone floor of the empty corridor. Then the faint sound of footsteps reached my ears. My eyes widened and Sirius gave me a predatory look.

Kinda of like he was going jump me.

Fear flooded me. “No, Sirius, no - !”

“Yes!” And then Sirius Black pounced, pinning me to the wall. One arm panted next to my head and the other next to my hip, he leaned in close, pretending to whisper in my ear. I closed my eyes and tried not to squirm, however strongly my body just wanted to knee him in the nads.

As the footsteps came closer and, through some sly peeking, I identified as Lily Evans and her friend, Emmeline Vance.

Oh Merlin. Please kill me now. I don’t deserve this - 

“Potter!?” Evans’ shrieking voice pierced through my brain.

I opened my eyes, trying for a nonchalant expression as she stared at the scene in obvious shock. “Lily?” I asked, raising an eyebrow and willing myself not to run and scream.

“Something to say, Evans?” Sirius asked, placing his arm protectively around me while Evans’ eyes narrowed with what looked to me like jealousy.

Sirius, you’re a bloody bastard.

Emmeline was staring at us, eyes wide with apparent shock. “Y-You two are gay? _Together?_ ”

Sirius sneered. “Yes, Vance, got a problem with that?”

She shrugged. “I always assumed you were a poof, Black, but I always thought it’d be with Lupin.” I fought back a laugh and Sirius glared at her. She continued, “And Potter, well, I honestly thought you fancied this one -” she gestured towards Lily, who looked surprisingly pale, “- but I guess that’s down the toilet bowl now, right? ”

Obviously not wanting to risk the reaction that last point was sure to get from me, Sirius swiftly turned and kissed me, effectively shutting me up.

...and scarring me for life.

I was so shocked, I didn't know what to do. I struggled not to let my eyes pop open. I struggled not to kick him in the family jewels. I struggled not to push him off and punch him in the face.

Yeah, I struggled.

After a few hideously long seconds, Sirius leant back and Evans and Vance were staring as if we’d just announced our intention to shag each other - 

Right. Bad comparison.

“Um, w-we’ll just be going now,” Emmeline stammered out, grabbing Lily, who looked like she’d just see someone get trampled by a hippogriff. And then they were gone, around the corner and far away.

“What the _fuck_ was that?!” I hissed, shoving Sirius off of me.

He shrugged. “Got to keep up the charade, Prongsie.”

I sighed heavily, realizing no argument would be won - however reasonable - and frowned at Padfoot. “Remind me why I agreed to this?”

He looked at me as if I was stupid. “Because it’s bloody brilliant, Prongs!” he exclaimed, “All the good looking birds have gay best friends! _Why not be that gay best friend?_ ”

Uh huh. Right.

I just stared at him blankly. “Um, because I’m not gay? And subsequently because of this plan, the girl I fancy now thinks I’m a poof?”

“Just think of the other girls -!”

“You know how stupid this whole plan of yours is, right?”

Sirius’ face was flushed and his eyes sparkled with excitement. “No, Prongs! It’s brilliant! When we ‘break up’, we get to play the whole I-hate-men-so-maybe-I-should-give-women-a-go angle. And then _they’re eating out of the palm of our hands!_ ”

In the midst of this short speech, my jaw had dropped in shock. I’d never even thought to ask what this was about. Hadn’t even occurred to me.

Who knew Sirius was so incredibly _stupid_? 

I shook my head softly, trying to twist my mind around his warped logic. “Insane,” I said softly, mostly to myself. “Completely barmy.”

Shoes clapped against flagstones, interrupting us. Sirius’ eyes widened again and then me was shoved roughly against the wall once more. And then, to my great discomfort and horror, Sirius’ lips pressed against mine...again.

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block it out. The feeling of his lips on mine, his tounge sliding against - but then his hand were in my hair and the other was one my arse and I had to overcome the violent urge to not scream out, “RAPE!”

A gasp sounded a little way away. “What -?”

 _Bollocks._ I said that out loud, didn’t I?

Sirius pulled back, his eyes shocked and furious. The girls, who had not noticed us until my scream, stopped in their tracks and spun around to face us. And then their eyes narrowed and...

Well, _shit._

“Uh...,” I spluttered, my face reddening. “I meant, take me, Sirius, right here against this wall. Man, you’re so hot in those...uh...robes.” 

Oh Merlin, tell me I did not just say that.

Hands flying to her mouth, one of the girls barely suppressed an embarrassed giggle, while the other’s knees buckled so hard, her friend had to grab her arm to keep her from falling. 

Sirius grinned mischievously and leant seductively into my ear, “As you wish, lover.” And then he kissed me again, body pressed up close to mine.

 _Lover?_ Sweet Circe. I think I’m going to be sick.

I snuck a sly glance at the our observers only to see one slip away, cheeks bright red. However the other was standing there, mouth gaping, with obviously no will to break her eyes off the - I’d wager - dream-like scene in front of her. 

“Oh my,” she breathed, rather breathlessly.

Sirius gave her roguish grin, while I tried to hide my face. Fucking loon, roping me into his barmy plans.

The poor girl looked as if she was going to swoon until her friend returned and grabbed her by the arm, hauling her away. Her eyes were latched on to us until she turned the corner.

As soon as she did, Sirius straightened up, smoothing down his robes. I slumped back against the wall, exhausted and disgusted.

“You realized I hate you, right?”

“You realize that with this badge I can take House points, right?”

“Are you threatening me, Mr. Padfoot?”

“Do you hate me, Mr. Prongs?”

“Yes. To be honest, yes.”

“Then I am simply commenting on the gratuitous advantage we have over several Slytherin’s until Moony decides to kill us for nicking his badge. Do you hate me now, Mr. Prongs?”

Loon. Absolute loon.

“Yes, Padfoot, yes I do.”

Stupid Padfoot and his stupid plans.


End file.
